Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
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My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!