Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
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OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure