rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
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Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
They’re the worst 😩
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.