Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
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*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.