My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
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Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]