Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
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[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
me doing my best
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
“TGIM!” – My liver
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”