If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
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I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too