My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
You Might Also Like
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Need this in my life lol
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.