*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
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They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
*watches the world burn*
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life