I love art.
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Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
me and who
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye