Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
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If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases