my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
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10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”