Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
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Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
(Electricians.)
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Everyone’s family
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews