If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
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Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Put this video in the Louvre
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Boating season is upon us.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.