I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
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Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.