me before I type out affect or effect
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DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
2022: I can fix it
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
dude it’s called proctologist
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’