ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
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It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure