the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
You Might Also Like
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors