Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
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Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
philosophical skeletons be like
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.