I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
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you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Same post same
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Love this one 😂🧟
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Best spot.. 😅
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!