*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
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I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.