[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
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According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
These dogs look like they have good credit.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.