a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
You Might Also Like
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
The news
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.