she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
You Might Also Like
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?