Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
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Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Danger is very dangerous
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.