John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
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[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?