You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
You Might Also Like
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.