Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
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I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast