*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
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PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —