Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
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me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
mathematically impossible
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.