Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
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Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?