(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
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Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here