I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
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All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
“OMGJK” -atheists
oh no, steve’s working tonight
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait