people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
You Might Also Like
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.