911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
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Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Bless you
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.