Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
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I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.