watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
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Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old