got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
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I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.