Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
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A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.