Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
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[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though