You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
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*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.