why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
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That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
The Joker was right
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.