About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Chemical wingman
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
See..?
.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.