I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
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Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break