I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
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Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
When your man makes a valid point
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
#Caturday
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.