I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
You Might Also Like
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?