I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
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7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.