Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
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Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.