*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
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The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely