please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
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Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.